Dan Vs Fangirls
by HomestuckVS
Summary: Dan wakes up one day to find crazed fangirls surrounding him. What funny things will happen when he wages war upon them? Find out right now! The picture depicted for the cover of sorts is drawn by eddave on Deviantart.
1. Chapter 1

_Dan Vs. Fangirls_

**Chapter 1:Fangirls**

It was a warm, sunny day. Dan had just gotten back to his apartment after picking up lunch from his favorite eatery, _Burgerphile_. He cut the plain hamburger into two equal parts, one for Mr. Mumbles and the other for himself.

"Here you go sweetie, make sure you chew it adequately before you swallow. Daddy wouldn't want his baby to choke, no he wouldn't."

Mr. Mumbles replied with a quiet mew. Suddenly there was a frantic knock at the door.

_I wonder who could be so eager to see me._ Dan thought to himself; irritated that his lunch with Mr. Mumbles had been interrupted. _It's probably some adolescent miscreant._ Dan reached the door, and upon opening it found a strange girl standing in front of him wearing what appeared to be his clothes that had gone missing a few days ago.

"Who are you, and why do you have my clothes, you giant monstrosity of a specimen? I can't comprehend that there are people that could possibly look like you!"

"OH MY GOSH! Guys Dan just YELLED at me!"

"Wait, what! There are MORE of you!" Dan stuck his head out and peering over the edge of the door frame saw a deranged pack of girls, that he was sure had rabies. Dan quickly made an attempt to slam his door shut, locking them out forever; however, he hadn't been fast enough.

"What th- Mr. Mumbles hurry, let's get out of here! OUCH, quit shoving!" Dan bellowed.

"He's so cute, look at him trying to get away from us." One odd looking adolescent shrieked.

Dan couldn't stand it anymore. After many hours of punching, kicking, biting, and scratching Mr. Mumbles had managed to clear the place. Dan's face was red, ready to explode at any second. Not only had this rabid pack of teenage girls RUINED his burger, they had the gall to steal half the furniture and appliances from his bathroom, kitchen, and bedroom. Dan got his bruised and scratched up body off the floor. The next few seconds were earsplitting as Dan yelled.

"FANGIRLS!"

**Chapter 2: Revenge**

Look forward to this chapter, where Dan , with the help of Chris, will exact revenge and, hopefully, retrieve his stuff. Coming soon!


	2. Chapter 2

_Dan Vs. Fangirls_

**Chapter 2: Revenge (Part 1)**

"I'm telling you Chris, this pack of girls suddenly attacked me!"

"Dan, I really do find that VERY hard to believe." Chris replied while shoving strips of bacon into his mouth.

"Yeah Dan, Chris is right, I can't think of any reason you, of all people, would be attacked by women." Elise chimed in, a smirk on her face.

Dan looking rather angry (as always) yelled, "They were fangirls. They don't need a reason to attack a person!"

After a few minutes more of Chris and Elise teasing Dan with their usual skepticism, Chris agreed to help out while Elise headed out for another one of those 'technology conventions.'

"I'll call you later Elise!" Chris yelled out the car window as they drove towards Dan's apartment.

"Ok sweetie, love you. DAN DON'T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL!"

_Don't worry Elise, I will_. Thought Dan to himself. He didn't want to make Elise his enemy before they even got started carrying out his plan.

"So Dan, what's this 'brilliant' plan of yours?" Chris inquired.

"I sense that sarcasm!"

Chris sighed and rolling his eyes replied, "well they don't ever seem like good ideas."

"Fine then, what's your idea!" Dan asked, intently looking at Chris.

"Well, how about we just change all the locks on your apartment, and lock your windows?" Chris suggested.

"Are you crazy! That's ridiculous, there's no fire or crowbar involved. What made you think that was a good plan?" Dan ridiculed.

"You know Dan, we're NOT KILLING THEM!"

"Says you. What in the world made you think otherwise?"

"DAN!"

"Fine, no killing. But we have to use a crowbar for something."

"I can live with that as long as we're not beating someone with it." Chris said wearily, beginning to collapse under the pressure of Dan's constant complaining.

"Awwww you just want to kill all my fun don't you?" Dan whined.

_Dan can be so adorable sometimes when he acts like a child._ Chris thought. If Dan ever knew that he was thinking this right now he would be the target instead of the, so called, 'fangirls.'

**Chapter 3:Revenge(Part 2)**


	3. Chapter 3

_I hope you all have been enjoying my little story. Here's chapter 3 FINALLY. I'm sorry it took so long, my brain was having issues TT_TT. Well, enjoy!_

**Chapter 3: Revenge (Part 2)**

Dan and Chris were currently sitting down in one of Burgerphile's many booths trying to formulate a plan that would satisfy both Dan's, and Chris's conditions.

"How about we build a cage and lure them to the spot somehow, and when they're in position, BAM the cage falls and we can go home, never having to see them ever again." Dan suggested, flashing his evil grin.

"No Dan, they would die." Chris retorted.

"Oh c'mon! I'm sure someone would find them eventually." whined Dan

"NO!"

"Fine, but I don't hear you making any suggestions!"

Chris thought for a moment, tilting his head to the side, arms folded across his chest. Suddenly his face lit up, showing off the gap in his teeth.

"I Know! We could find out where they live, and leave a letter or something telling them that they better stop or else..." Chris paused.

"Or else what!" Dan asked, clearly annoyed by his friend's stupidity.

"Well, or else we'll contact the authorities and get restraining orders against every single one of them."

Chris, looking rather proud of himself, soon had his bubble burst.

"That's not nearly threatening enough. The letter is good, but we need to say something more menacing like we'll burn their houses to the ground and smash their precious computers."

"Well, I guess that would be ok. But we're NOT committing arson Dan." Chris stated firmly.

"Fine, but we will smash their computers if they continue to pester me!"

Suddenly there was a loud, collective, screech. Dan's eyes widened as he turned to see the group of girls taking pictures of him and Chris. Some began to rush over with sketchbooks, and Dan could only imagine what they were thinking of drawing.

"Chris, hurry up, get us out of here!" Dan yelled; only to find that Chris was being dragged out of the booth and onto the floor where countless girls were assaulting him with questions and silly demands.

Suddenly Dan was on the floor, only they were starting to tear his clothes off.

"I WANT HIS PANTS!" One girl screamed.

"I GET HIS UNDERWEAR!" Another proclaimed.

_These women are going to leave me naked! I'll have nothing left except the hair on my head!_ Dan thought. Then he heard something he never thought he would hear any one of them say.

"I CALL DIBS ON HIS HAIR!"

Dan snapped.

"GET OFF OF ME NOW!" He screeched; sending the girls flying. His pants had already been seized, but he couldn't have cared less about that right now.

"What is wrong with all of you! I could sue you for sexual harassment AND assault, not to mention thievery!" Dan was nearly in tears.

"Just leave me ALONE!" Dan yelled as he grabbed Chris, running out the double doors.

The girls just stood there in silence as they watched them speed away in Chris's car. It was safe to say they felt terrible. Making Dan cry was never what they intended. But right now, more than guilt, they were all reaching for napkins to stifle the bloody noses that were spewing all over the place.

Dan sat in Chris's car sniffling, and claimed it was merely allergies. Chris didn't say anything; a smile played at the corners of his lips, a grin threatening to emerge.

"Well, we can't go anywhere near their houses, so I guess we'll just have to send them the letters by mailman." Dan quietly stated, almost in a defeated tone.

"Also, Chris, I need to borrow a pair of pants."

"Alright; but only because you've earned it. It's been a rough day for you." Chris stated almost sympathetically.

"I don't need you're pity!" Dan yelled.

"I'd rather wear a pair of Elise's pants than the pants of someone who is pitying me!"

Chris looked over at Dan for a moment, a weird look on his face.

"Once we reach your house, and I get some pants on, I expect a glass of orange juice and a sandwich to be waiting for me. I didn't get to eat because of those stupid girls!" Dan pouted.

Chris let out a sigh.

"And then after I'm done eating we'll need to get started on those letters."

"Okay Dan, whatever you say."

**Chapter 4: Revenge (FINAL)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Revenge (FINAL)**

Dan was browsing the drawers in Chris' and Elise's bedroom for pants when he came across Elise's clothes drawer. Dan looked behind his shoulder to make sure no one was watching and grabbing a pair, carefully slipped them on. Just then, Chris walked into the room; Dan froze.

"Dan!" Chris yelled.

"What's up Chris?" Elise called out as she was running for the bedroom.

Dan decided it didn't really matter and finished buttoning the pants. Elise ran into the room, ready to punch Dan if the situation called for it. Elise took the scene in. Dan wearing HER pants.

"DAN!" Elise screeched.

"You'd better have a GOOD explanation for this!"

Dan simply stared at her with his, 'you're seriously asking that question' look on his face. Elise ran towards Dan. She delivered a swift kick to Dan's stomach causing him to double over in pain.

"Oh!" Dan moaned.

Elise took her pants back throwing them into the laundry hamper.

"Elise, that was a little harsh don't you think?" Chris stated, a worried look on his face as he knelt at Dan's side.

"Wha- he put on my pants!" Elise protested.

"That's just gross, he hardly ever showers!"

Chris folded his arms across his chest.

"Yeah, well you could have at least just punched him. You overreacted." Chris stated bluntly.

"I better get him to the hospital."

Chris picked Dan up, holding him like a baby in one arm, and grabbing his car keys with the other, as well as his laptop with charger. Elise was left alone to feel slightly guilty.

_Dan shouldn't have put my pants on, but I guess I did get a little carried away with that kick. Oh well, I'll just go and read a book or something._

They reached the hospital with no problem, especially since Dan had slipped into a state of unconsciousness. Chris filled out all of the paperwork while they set Dan up in a small private room. Once that was finished, Chris was led to the room whilst the doctor explained to Chris Dan's condition.

"It seems he has some internal bleeding around the stomach area. He'll need to stay here for a few days so that we can monitor his condition, just to make sure it doesn't get worse."

"Geez, that's worse than I thought." Chris said, looking rather pained.

They walked in and Chris felt like vomiting. Dan was hooked up to an IV machine, another machine hooked up to his belly button which seemed to carefully be sucking blood out of, what Chris seemed to think was, the internally bleeding areas. A large purple bruise had made itself at home where Elise had kicked Dan.

"Are you sure he'll be okay? He looks terrible." Chris inquired.

"He'll be just fine. Right now he is in a slightly critical condition, but once we get him off of the machine he'll be fine." The doctor reassured Chris.

Chris took a seat next to the bed, pulling out his laptop. The least he could do was start writing the letter that they would send to the fangirls. It read something like this.

_Dear Miss or Mrs., _

_It has come to our attention that you have been harassing a young man by the name of Dan Mandel. We would like to issue, to you, a warning. If you should persist in your unmannerly behavior we will be forced to reprimand, not only you, but your computers as well. We thank you for your time, and hope that you will comply. Good day._

_Sincerely, Celebrity Protection Agency (CPA)_

"That should do it." Chris sighed; rubbing his eyes from staring at the screen for so long.

He saved the file, shutting down his computer to rest, and looked to see if Dan had regained any color in his face.

_Nope, still pale_ Chris thought.

He reached out and brushed Dan's bangs off his face. He looked so pale. Chris pulled out his phone to call Elise. It was ringing.

Elise had just finished making herself a salad and some soup when her phone began to ring. She looked to see that it was Chris.

_He's probably calling to let me know Dan's okay._ Elise thought, a little nervous. She answered the phone and put it up to her ear.

"Hey honey! So how is everything?" Elise cheerfully asked.

She heard a deep sigh. That wasn't a good sign.

"He's not doing too good. They have him hooked up to an IV and some sort of pump for internal bleeding. He's listed as being in critical condition."

Chris sounded really tired.

"Really? I didn't think I'd kicked him that hard. Well, I'm going to head on over right now okay? I'll bring you some food." Elise stated as she hung up. She would need to make this up to Dan somehow, if he lived.

Elise arrived at the hospital with some burgers and a few chocolate shakes. She walked into the room specified by the nurse at the front desk and her blood ran cold. Dan really did look awful. Chris looked up and smiled wearily.

"Hey. Thanks for the food, I'm starved."

_Chris hasn't eaten AT ALL! _Elise thought; a shocked look present on her face.

"Chris, what if he doesn't make it?" Elise asked quietly; almost in tears.

Chris stopped foraging through the bags. "Don't worry, he wouldn't let something like this do him in. but he was surprisingly fragile as a kid because he was so small. I thought he'd grown out of it, but I guess not."

Elise had a look of disbelief on her face. She felt awful.

"Well, we can't do anything for Dan right now except quietly watch over him. So we might as well relax for a bit." Chris stated.

"You're right, I'll just relax." Elise replied; still not feeling quite as cheerful as she had earlier.

Elise took a seat on the other side of the bed, silently hoping Dan would be okay.

It was now three in the morning. Chris was asleep, his head resting next to Dan's left arm. Elise was still awake, monitoring the machines closely. A nurse walked in doing her routine check on Dan's condition.

"Poor little guy." The nurse sympathetically spoke.

"Wha- why is he poor, is he dead, is he not going to make it!" Elise asked, demanding to know.

"No, he's still stable. I was just referring to the general situation as a whole." The nurse explained.

"But he is quite the lucky one to have two friends that care so much about him." She stated, flashing a sweet smile.

"Yeah well, I'm not too fond of him actually. But this is all my fault that he's here, so I need to make it up to him. I don't know how yet, but I'll think of something."

Chris slowly lifted his head, squinting at Elise and the nurse. With a big yawn he made a suggestion.

"You could finish tying up the loose ends of Dan's revenge plot." Chris suggested.

"I wrote the letters, you could print the copies and deliver them to the girls' houses, in a disguise of course."

"Letters? Oh to the 'fangirls' I presume." Elise chuckled.

"They're real Elise, and oh so scary." Chris replied, holding his head in his hands.

"They're the whole reason he needed a pair of pants to borrow in the first place. I remembered that I didn't have any extra pairs of pants. So I guess he realized that and figured he'd just borrow yours."

Elise hung her head. Suddenly she stood and after ruffling Dan's hair lightly proclaimed that she would deliver those letters no matter what. There was a slight differentiation in the heart rate, and Dan had a small smile on his face. They figured that this meant Dan was okay with Elise helping.

"There's one thing I don't understand. If you had no clean pairs of pants yet, why didn't Dan just tell me?" Elise wondered.

"He was probably embarrassed as well as a little shook up at being discovered before he'd prepared himself." Chris assumed.

"Well, I'm going to head out now."

With that Elise grabbed Chris's laptop and the car keys and started down the corridor towards the exit.

_Okay, first things first, I need to get the letters printed._ Elise drove to the house and hooking up the laptop to the printer was able to get thirty or so copies. After they'd been stuck in envelopes and sealed she tracked them down on her laptop, revealing their addresses. It was now five in the morning and Elise was ready to head out.

_I'll finish this up quickly, I need to get back to the hospital._

Suddenly there was a loud banging on the front door. Elise opened it only to find, what had to be, the fangirls. The way she could tell was one of them was wearing Dan's jeans, and they all had jerk shirts on.

"What do all of you want?" Elise asked, clearly angry.

One girl stepped out from the crowd.

"We wanted to apologize to Dan and tell him that we won't bother him anymore. Well, on one condition."

Elise looked skeptically at the girls.

"Well sorry, but he's in the hospital right now. I have these letters for you all. Chris wrote them, so they're not nearly as offensive as Dan would have written them."

Elise handed out the letters and remembered the statement from earlier.

"By the way, what's this condition of yours?"

The girls smiled slyly. They explained that they needed to see him in person before they could reveal the condition. Dan needed to be asked directly. Elise had her doubts but decided to trust them. When they all arrived at the hospital Elise led them to the room, only to find Dan missing.

"Chris, where's Dan!"

"He was rushed into surgery." Chris said.

He didn't sound like he was handling the situation very well. When you think about it, Chris didn't have anyone else except Dan and Elise (but mostly Dan ^_^). Chris suddenly shrieked.

"WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE!" He screeched.

"Chris, honey, they came to apologize, and promise to leave you two alone." Elise explained.

Chris glared at them. "Well I sure hope so."

A nurse burst into the room a few seconds later.

"We need your help! You're friend has woken up, and is screaming for someone named Chris. We need to calm him down or he's a goner!" The nurse quickly explained.

They all stood there in shock for a moment until the nurse yelled for them to hurry up. Chris snapped out of it and started sprinting down the hall after the nurse. The girls just stayed behind, they didn't want to freak Dan out and make his condition even worse.

Chris reached the operation room to see Dan thrashing around on the table. Chris hurriedly put on the scrubs and face mask, rushing into the room.

"Dan!" Chris yelled "Dan calm down!"

Dan weakly protesting yelled back, "Help me get out of here! They're trying to steal my organs and sell them off!" Dan exclaimed.

Chris had to think of something fast. The heart rate machine was only growing weaker. He had to say it.

"Dan you're going to die!"

Everything grew quiet.

"What?" Dan squeaked.

"That's not possible. If this is a joke it's not very funny!"

"It's true. If you don't settle down and let them operate you're going to die Dan. I can't let you die, you're technically the only friend I have." Chris was now crying. "I don't want you to leave me behind!"

Dan was shocked. He felt very faint, and knew what his buddy was saying was true. Dan placed himself back on the table, lying down. The staff strapped his wrists and ankles to the table.

"Don't cry buddy. I'm not going to die. But if I let them do their thing, I don't want to be alone." Dan said. His voice quiet and his throat sore from all the screaming and yelling.

The surgeon put him under as Chris was led to the table. Placing his hand in Dan's. Dan was now unconscious again and Chris never let go. He couldn't even if he wanted to, because Dan had managed to keep a pretty good grip on his hand despite being knocked out. The operation was a huge success and Dan was moved back into his room. He started freaking out when he saw the fangirls sitting around his room. They quickly assured him that they would leave them alone, as the letter specified.

"We'll leave you alone, but we have a condition."

"What's that?" Dan inquired. He was a little groggy due to the fact he just woke up from surgery.

The girls looked at each other.

"We want to see you kiss Chris, just once." They all nodded their heads in agreement.

"WHAT!" Chris exclaimed.

"Okay." Dan agreed. A grin on his face. Yep, he was definitely not in his right mind.

"Chris, come here!" Dan said sweetly, almost childlike.

"I am not kissing you!" Chris firmly stated as he turned away.

"I agree." Elise chimed in, pulling Chris closer to her.

"Awwwww. Pleeeease?" Dan whined. His eyes were glittering with hope.

They couldn't resist. Dan just looked so helplessly adorable.

"Fine, but just ONE kiss Dan!"

Dan smiled at Chris as he made his way to the bed. Chris sat down in his chair and leaned in, his eyes shut tight. Dan leaned forward a little and suddenly Chris found himself covered in bloody vomit. Dan was passed out on the bed, but there was some movement, accompanied by a quiet moan.

"Well, this is disturbing. At least I wasn't kissing him when this happened."

"Well girls, you promised." Elise said.

"They didn't kiss!" One of them yelled.

Suddenly Dan grabbed Chris's head and pulling him closer gave him a peck on the cheek.

"There, happy now?" Dan asked.

"You didn't say it had to be on the lips."

The girls noses were yet again spewing blood. That had been the most adorable thing they'd ever seen. They all ran home and began a new series of Dan X Chris drawings; but they had a very light mood.

"Well, that's that." Dan said, clearly satisfied with the situation.

"Well I'm glad you're happy. I'm going home to take a shower." Chris grumpily walked out of the room with the car keys.

"I'm coming too sweetie!" Elise called after Chris running out of the room.

Dan was now alone.

_Well, all's well that ends well. I suppose I'll be stuck here for a while._ Dan thought to himself.

He then pulled out his notepad from the nightstand next to his bed, and began writing Elise's name at the top. But then he remembered why he was at the hospital in the first place and thought better of it. He erased the name and decided to take a much needed nap. He was able to relax now that he knew his revenge had been exacted upon the fangirls (it also helped knowing he wasn't going to be the one paying the hospital bill).

**THE END**

_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_

_Hope everyone enjoyed the story. I know I enjoyed writing it. I'll try and think up some new ideas for a new story as soon as possible. Until next time, have fun! ;)_


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